no one has ever known everything about me. you, on the other hand, know everything there is to know. be it good or bad. but you accepted my flaws unconditionally and promised to protect me from hurt and hardship. ironically no one has ever hurt me nor put me through hardship more than you did. and for me everything about you felt wrong, yet everything seem so right. i dont really know. maybe the idea of having someone being so much in love with me didnt sound possible. i was overwhelmed by the thought of you leaving if i give in too easy. and for that, i am truly sorry to have made the things between you and me like some sort of a game i could not afford to loose. and i am sorry to have made you waited too long. it was true what you said. you wasted too much time, energy and money trying to convince me that you love me and that love really exist. the truth is i do believe in love. i just dont think it will last. that was my only fear. im sorry. i really am. i have made you cried and i hurt you too much. i think you've made the best choice by letting go. you can now go do all the fun things you've been missing out thanks to me. im sorry. i wasnt worth all your attention and care in the first place. you deserve so much better when i have nothing to offer in return. im sorry. and thank you. thank you for being super nice and sweet to me and my family. they all love you very much. and they, of all people, would've understood your choice. they know me too well to blame it on you. i really wish things were different. but they weren't. we did many mistakes that could not be undone. i regret most of what happened. but being with you was not one of them. and im so sorry for a lot of things. im sorry for all the hurt i've caused you. im sorry i never went to your family home. im sorry i never met your mother. cowardly i could not handle rejection. i was afraid she wouldnt like me. so i am sorry for ridiculously being afraid of those little things and for being so selfish. im sorry that you thought that i am not appreciative of what you have done or given to me all this years. i am eternally grateful for the things you have done for me. and all the things you have given to me, i love it all. know that you gave me the best birthday present every time. they are forever tresured in my heart. always special. just like you. you will always have a special place in my heart. i still remember the first time you said hi to me almost seven years ago. i just started my foundation studies and you were in your final year. we were still young and full of hope. and you were such a sweetheart i decided to like you right away. i was in love in no time. and it was wonderful. you got me a cute turtle for pet and we rode your scooter to everywhere. i remember that we could not have enough of each other that we had to meet up at every free time we had. and i remember that we fought a lot but it never lasted long. you were constantly trying to make me smile that i couldnt stay mad long enough, which i love so much about you. i miss all that. and i miss the days when we stayed home doing nothing. we would lie in bed all day and watched tv and listened to the songs you downloaded for me. and then we would cook our favourite dishes and have it all to ourselves. and we used to stare into each other's eyes and kissed and hugged all the time. we would start our days and ended it the same way, with a smile on our faces and with hearts full of love. i miss being happy. i miss being loved. and most of all, i miss feeling important and special to you. and i just love going to karaoke with you. i dont sing that well, but your praises made me happy. and when you sang, i know you always sang for me. the last time we went, you sang this song that left me burst into tears.
dilema cinta
seberapa salahkah diriku
hingga kau sakiti aku begitu menusukku
inikah cara membalas
aku yang slalu ada saat kau terluka
seberapa hinanya diriku
hingga kau ludahi semua yang ku beri untukmu
tak ada satupun perasaan
yang mampu membuatku begitu terluka
namun ku terlanjur mencintai dirimu
terlambat bagiku pergi darimu
begitu terlalu indah perasaan itu
tak mudah untukku jauh darimu
telah kucoba segala cara
tuk bahagiakan kamu merebut hatimu
namun tak semudah yang ku bayangkan
bila kau tak inginkan ku tuk disisimu
tak pernah kurasakan sebelumnya
menginginkan dirinya hingga ku tak kuasa
meyakini hatiku bahwa ku mampu berlalu
i am sorry my love. i know i hurt you too much. please forgive me and remember only the good memories of me as i will do the same. who knows, maybe we never meant to be together. i hope things will get better for you and your career now that the distraction is out of the picture. for good.
take care.
